Beating Cancer and Battling Anxiety

Just a few weeks ago, I got my first "good" scan calling my body all clear from the melanoma I've been battling for 14 months.  We paused treatment a few months prior after my intestines decided they couldn't take it any more.  Then the clear scan meant that we can stop treatment as long as the rest of my scans stay clear.  

I'm feeling like a million bucks.  I forgot what it was like to only need 8 hours of sleep most nights, to have my stomach not ache and my GI tract be almost regular.  My memory and recall are coming back too after what seemed like forever of not remembering names, projects, and simple things.  

I've been toasted, taken out to dinner, and sent the most charming notes.  I'm ecstatic, really, I am.  This is such welcome news after the ups and downs of my treatment.  

I'm going to the gym again, starting to train for a half marathon again, eating better, and learning more about healthy breathing.  I set most of this aside during treatment to just get through it all.  

However, once you've had this diagnosis, you know that the fear continues.  The chances of recurrence  for this and all cancers are quite high.  Even if the chances of the cancer coming back were not significant, I'd still be scared, reticent, reluctant to fully celebrate. 

I'm not alone in this.  A coworker who beat testicular cancer twice said he has just, after 7 years of clear scans, FULLY started to live his life again.  Another amazing lady who beat brain cancer said it's been 12 years since she had her first clear scan and any odd headache still scares her.  

My brilliant and powerful sister recently feted her 2 year anniversary of clear scans, yet any unusual pain in her mid-section has her afraid that the monster has returned to feed again. 

My friend Michael lost his battle this year and so did my friend Teale.  Another co-worker has been told her cancer is incurable and must just be held at bay.  

With that in mind, PLEASE celebrate with me.  Hug your loved ones and live life to the fullest too, because every day is a gift.  

Also, please understand that the fear, anxiety, and uncertainty are still very fresh in my mind daily.  Based on all of my conversations with other survivors, those feelings just like those of grief NEVER fully go away.  Said feelings just come less often and become less debilitating over time.  So as I grieve the loss of my Teale and my Michael, I also hold my head high in spite of those feelings because they aren't here to do the same.  

Tears and Being Extra

It's crazy what makes you cry after you've had cancer.  And what makes you laugh.  And the changes you make in your life. 

When I was first diagnosed, just hearing the word cancer made me burst into tears.  My poor friends would be at a concert with me and the performer would mention beating cancer.....queue the waterfalls.  Then any story of someone dying from cancer, especially got me crying.  It still does. 

Now, 10 months into treatment, references to the future trigger mini-panic attacks. 

My mom (pictured at a holiday light show we visited in Maine) said to me, "Eric, you seem like the happiest you've been in years."  My friends also keep telling me I look great and I'm doing so much.  

Because I'm scared I won't be able to fit it all in before life's over for me.  I don't want to miss a chance to sing again, to dance, to laugh, to camp, to make art, to skinny dip in a lake, to hug friends, to travel, to get drunk and tip a stripper too much, and so many other things.  

Saturday, I spent my entire day filling my apartment with Christmas decorations......and I mean more than one person should probably put up in a one bedroom apartment.  My tree takes up 30 percent of my living room and I've put up two smaller artificial trees in my bedroom and bathroom.  Yup - a tree in my bathroom. 

Sunday, December 4, I performed a holiday concert with the Boston Gay Men's Chorus.  Two of the songs talk about making it through the next year.  I've practiced them for months, but trying to sing it in front of my friends in the audience made me break down.  I kept singing even though my voice kept cracking, tears were streaming,  and my nose was running.  

I've also been dressing a bit more crazy than most people can accept.  I've been asked if I "love costumes" or have a "holiday party to go to later" since I'm dressing in all my holiday glory every day. 

I wore a halloween costume to treatment in November and made people laugh.  My joke of the day was that it wasn't real fur. 
 

I'm also trying to fit in more of my life into many less hours a day.  Treatment makes me exhausted and I sleep 10-12 hours a night when I used to survive on 6-7.  So if I'm crafting, dancing, rehearsing, or doing a live cooking demo, then I'm choosing to do that because I want to.  There is no down time right now that I don't want to fill with goodness and things I enjoy doing. 

I'm not going to let anyone rain on my parade....not now......hopefully not ever again.  I'm going to be as Eric as I want to be.  Try and stop me and I'll probably just make moves to spend a lot less time to you, if not cut you out of my life entirely.  I'm me.  I love me.  If you don't like it, then find someone else to judge and smother.  I'm doing all of me...maybe even more than I ever have in case I won't be able to any more next year.  And I'm liking it.  It's bringing me happiness that counteracts the days when I won't come out from under the covers and worry about the future. 

My advice....do you.  Don't let anyone else tell you not to.  If they ask if you like costumes, try my response, "What this old thing?  It's my everyday wear."  or "It's always fun to sparkle." or "If it makes me smile, then others might smile too."  Or just laugh maniacally and walk away.  

Being an online fundraising Rockstar!

I've been fortunate to find a career that I love as a professional fundraiser.  Currently, I manage the Donor Relations department at Brandeis University.  This falls within the larger Institutional Advancement or Fundraising division for the university.  Donor Relations is the thanking and reporting side of fundraising, which is a lot of fun.  Leading up to this, I've spent the previous 20 years as a front-line fundraiser working in annual giving, planned giving, major gifts, and alumni relations.  

In my spare time, I love cooking, photography, crafting, running, and so much more.  However, once a year, I use my fundraising experience to raise money for a charity that is very close to my heart, Special Olympics.  I've been fortunate to tap into my friends, family and the community to raise over $20,000 online over the past 14 years from for this charity.  Pictured below is my merman costume from last year's Polar Plunge for Special Olympics in Lake Ontario.  

I want to share with you what has worked for me in fundraising so you too can have fun and raise money too for your favorite charity online.  

REMEMBER - your friends and family only have so much money, so pick one or two charity fundraisers a year and stick to them if you want to make the greatest impact.  If you ask your friends every month, they will start to experience "donor fatigue" from you and will ignore all of your requests.  

If your charity has an annual event or fundraising giving day, that's the easiest way to join and raise money without building your own fundraising page.  

If that isn't the case, I recommend reaching out to the charity itself to see if they can set up a special fund for you or code so people donate directly on their website to your favorite fund or at least give you a separate web address (URL) to count your money only.  Sometimes they have the ability to set up a separate code or page as well through their giving platform (usually called crowd funding).  

When I raise money for a charity outside of my day job, here is what I do using mostly social media:

1.) Set up a webpage (blogspot or wordpress are free) that tells your story

2.) Figure out how to collect money through their website and set up paypal and the cash ap or venmo to collect money for those who give it to you and don't care about the deduction. Many charities are linked to facebook so you can just click the "make a facebook fundraiser" and it's done for you.  Love this when it works.  

3.) Prepare yourself to use facebook, instagram, tiktok, Linkedin, and any social media you have.  You should learn (google it if you don't know) how to add your give link to both posts and your "home" page.  

4.) Film a short video (use your phone, don't get fancy) with a compelling story as to what this fundraiser would do for you and for others (cell phones are amazing now and there are free apps for simple editing). Remember to have fun with it.  Then it gets views, comments, and shares which help you raise even more money.  

5.) Make sure before you publish the "ask" that you have a few people in advance that will give you some money. Folks like to give to things that others are giving to support and are successful.  Line a few up before you go "live." 

6.) Write out a story about the why.  Make sure to include the words I and you (unlike formal writing these words are important for fundraising).  The you words (or your) should be twice as numerous as the I words.  You can make a difference.  You can help me.  Your support will .....  Your financial contribution will offset the costs for us to.....or clients to....

Remember to make it personal.  People give to people and stories about people.  Tug the heart strings.  

7.) Make a list of 12 people (or more, but I think anyone can do 12) that you will reach out to personally.  Call them.  Tell them you are raising money for this and that you would like them to support you.  Ask them if you can email a link.  Ask until they say no.  If they say they want to think about it, tell them, you'll call back in a week to check in and do it.  Unless they say no, you can still get the money.  

8.) If you are really creative and a friend has the money, ask one of your friends if they will match any gift dollar for dollar up to a certain amount.  If this happens, save this match for day two or three of your fundraising.

9.) Set a finite period for fundraising.  I would not let it go past two weeks.  If you don't make the money, you can start again in six months.

10.) Share the link on your social media, text it out, facebook message it, etc, WITH images of you and or people you support.  People like to see faces.  Faces earn money.

11.) Update people as you make money.  Tag them in your thanks on facebook,  "Thanks to @eric shoen for making my dream of helping folks INSERT WHAT THE DONATION HELPS DO with their donation. INSERT GIVE LINK.  This makes it show up on other people's feeds without you posting over and over and asking over and over.  Encourage those friends to donate AND share, like, and/or comment.  This also helps with the placement on social media because of the algorithm.  I also post a funny gif about that person as a thanks in a comment below the thank you.  You can search words like thanks, yeehaw, woohoo, that's awesome, good onya, etc in the add gif on facebook.  If the friend loves star wars, for example, I usually put up a dancing ewok.  Sometimes I just put dancing or smiling animals including puppies or kittens.  

12.) Thank people with personal emails, texts, or messages.  Thank them at least twice (phone, text, postcard, or something) in addition to thanking them publicly once on social media (unless they want to remain anonymous).

13.) Consider offering perks for any donor over $100, like a postcard from a client or one digital print emailed to them.  You can be creative here.  Don't go overboard though.  Think things that are free or cost only a dollar or two.  I use a photo from my event each year and buy enough postcards to send one to each donor.  I just print the front and back with an update and some thank you text using vistaprint (but you can use any online company).  I use labels, but hand sign and write a hand postscript on each one.  

14.) Don't be afraid to send out letters or written notes to people asking for money too.  If you included a stamped envelope inside, they will feel guilty and be more likely to give.  

I hope this helps.  There are reasons why fundraising departments have 30 people working on individual fundraising and only one corporation and foundation person.  Corporate sponsors take a lot more time and energy because the return on investment just isn't there. Sometimes you get lucky though by asking companies for support, however, you will have more luck doing personal fundraising.

FINAL POINT TO HELP YOU STAY ON TRACK: 

The most successful fundraising is asking face to face. Second most successful is asking over the phone, third is personal email or hand written note. Fourth is blanket email, post, or letter and social media.

Feel free to share this post with anyone you know who is doing social media fundraising personally.  I'm also happy to consult with anyone who wants some fundraising advice or consulting for their own charity.  

Lunch is so damn expensive....now what?

I don't know about you, but inflation pricing is scaring me.  I still remember going out to lunch on $5-$10 for a sandwich, drink, and chips.  I've found that now I can't eat at even one of the usual fast food places for less than $20.  So I need to get better at packing my lunch.  Most of these things can be eaten at room temperature which is also a plus if you don't have access to a microwave for lunch. 

Here are some of my new favorites: 

1. Bento Boxes (adult lunchables):

You can look up bento boxes on amazon, and they sell them at pampered chef 

Each box should have five things (at least that's my style).  You probably want to include 1. fruit or veggies, 2. cheese, 3. nuts, 4. meat, and 5. some type of bread cracker or pretzel.  I also like to add something sweet like a cookie, granola bar, muffin, etc.  

Here are things I like to eat in my "bento box" lunches:

Hummus

Mini Carrots

Peanut Butter

Nuts - peanuts, almonds, cashews, pistachios 

Raisins

Craisins

Sliced Cheese (sharp cheddar, pepper jack, gouda, dill havarti, etc)

Grapes, apple slices, orange slices, Pitted Cherries, Peach slices, etc.

Spinach (salt and pepper, lemon juice, or a bit of extra virgin olive oil)

Pepperoni

Grilled Chicken pieces

Deli meat

Crackers 

Pretzels

Broccoli and Dip

Avocado

Chips or corn chips

Tuna or Chicken salad  - goes nice on crackers. 

Melon

2.  Stir-Fried, Grilled,
or baked chicken (or turkey breast that I sometimes see)  - flavor with spices (love this seasoning salt for mine) 

Add to salad

Add to pasta that you will eat cold (like pasta salad)

Chicken Salad Sandwich

Add bbq sauce which is not as volatile as mayo. 

For a unique treat, I also sometimes mash up banana with mine.  I've also made it with salsa or guac instead of mayo.  

3. Sandwiches or wraps or pita pockets - The better the ingredients, the better they are.  I find that I like to keep the parts separate and put them together just before I eat.  It makes it seem fresher (using my bento box or little jars to keep them separate.  I also love my reusable ziplock bags. 

Bacon

Avocado

Salsa

Good bread

Fun cheeses  - pepper jack, provolone, dill havarti, gouda

Good meat like grilled chicken, real turkey, meat loaf. pot roast, etc.  

I find that pesto, pepper jelly and guac add some zing. Bbq sauce, honey mustard, etc. without me

worrying about salmonella. 

What I like to do is find sandwiches I love at a fancy restaurant or deli and make my own version. 

4. Sushi - veggie or cooked shrimp.  I sometimes pick up sushi and maybe would learn to make it.  

5. Salads - This can be just about anything.  I like five bean. Pasta salad, potato salad, etc.  The key is that green salads might get soggy.  So I keep soggy things separate from the greens and other veggies.  Then I put it together when I'm about to eat.  The key for me to not be hungry soon after is to make sure you have protein with it.  So potato salad needs a side of grilled chicken or something.  Make sure that stuff with mayo stays cold.  I prefer salads that have vinegar or oil based dressings. Green goddess dressing is fun too. 

6. Sometimes I just eat a bowl of roasted veggies (sweet potato, butternut squash, roasted brussels sprouts, broccoli, etc.) 

7. Tacos can be fun - same thing...make it into something you'd enjoy.  Tacos can be anything inside and any type of shell.

8. Spring rolls using rice wrappers with veggies and some type of meat inside and a peanut dipping sauce or sweet sauce etc. example here: https://cookieandkate.com/fresh-spring-rolls-recipe/.  I would make mine with carrots, spinach or lettuce, maybe cabbage, and throw in some cooked chicken or shrimp.  I also love them with sliced apples or pears inside.  The peanut sauce makes it fun. 

9. I also like making things like Caprese salad, or prosciutto wraps (cooked asparagus or tubes of cheese wrapped in ham, turkey, prosciutto, etc.)

10.  I also have used pillsbury crescent or biscuit dough with some meat and cheese baked in using muffin
tins. They remind me a bit of those wrap roll ups you make with wraps and then cut into disks, but I like the dough better.  They are just one of the many things you can make with muffin tins.  For some reason, I prefer mine square rather than round and use this brownie pan.  I've done crab cakes, ham and cheese bites, sausage biscuits, spinach "rolls", mini-pizza rolls, mini quiche, little lasagnas, and so much more.  

11. Lettuce Wraps - I love these as my new obsession.  Boston Bib Lettuce is the key.  Then cook up a protein (ground pork is my go to) with some garlic, ginger, sesame oil, soy, and season.  Then eat in wraps with peanuts, shredded carrots, scallions, or other shredded veggies. 

12. Quiche - I love making a quiche on the weekend.  I usually use the pre-made crust, one cup of shredded cheese, one cup of cooked veggies (love roasted broccoli), 1/2 cup of cooked meat (bacon is my go to), 8-10 eggs.  I just beat it all together and then bake till the middle doesn't jiggle.  

I hope this list helps you with some ideas.  What is your go-to lunch that is easy and fun (or different).  Comment below :) 

Stop fucking asking me "How are you feeling?" Cancer Tips to support me and others (maybe)!

So I'm working through some major stuff here. I've tried to be honest about it. It's not easy, or fun. I know that I don't have it as bad as others, but fucking fuckity fuck this shit is scary. And that's just the cancer.  

Since finding out that I've got melanoma in March, through surgery and recovery, immunotherapy, more cancer, and more immunotherapy, I've been trying to be strong. I am strong, dammit.  

I'm also scared, anxious, pissed off, sad, depressed, and overwhelmed. I have days when I can't get out of bed and other days when I can slow jog a 5k with my dear friend, Brian. Some nights I sleep more than 12 hours and others I just cry all night and can't sleep.  

I wonder if I'm going to make it. I try pep talks. There are mantra's written in dry erase marker on my mirror. I'm praying. I'm speaking the good. But this is still really fucking hard. That's just part of it. Like so many of you, I also have a job that needs me where I want to succeed. I've got family who loves me and have relied on me for years. I'm trying to get through the end of my marriage and juggle grad school. I want to be the inspiration, not the reason for worry. I'm trying to keep up with the things I love like singing, hiking, and costume parties.  

As I go through this, the hardest thing to answer up to a few hundred times a day is "How are you doing?" or "How are you feeling?"  

Do me a favor and don't ask me that. Please. I'm already reminded of the cancer with bouts of exhaustion, nausea, and vertigo. The random skin rashes that itch like crazy also like to pop up in case I forget. Do you really want to know all these details? Do you want to listen to me rant about the fact that my doctor's missed this through four appointments over six months? Hear about my anger? My sadness? My depression? My diarrhea? Even if you do, I don't want to talk about it again.  I am posting updates on my caringbridge if you really want to know.  

Instead, try: What's new? How's it going? What's going on? Then if I feel like talking about treatment or prognosis, I can choose to add it into the conversation. 

Otherwise, you'll get a pat answer that makes neither of us feel better: "good days and bad days." 

Also, for fuck's sake don't talk to me about a fad diet or something you read on the internet that cures cancer that you have no idea if it actually works because you DON'T KNOW ANY REAL PERSON who has tried it with success. Just because you read it works on the internet doesn't mean I should give up what trained medical professionals know about my cancer to try this stupid shit. Look at what you are sending me. See if there are any studies out there that show it works beyond those done by the same people who are selling this diet or that herbal supplement. And even then, I DON'T WANT TO SEE IT. I've got a team of doctors at two major medical centers. Both are open to alternate therapies. We are already talking through them all.  

It would also be lovely if you didn't tell me about the friends you had die of cancer. Or those that had a dozen surgeries and are still fighting melanoma or other cancers. Neither one of these things makes me feel any better. I don't want to be reminded of the fact that I might die or the fact that I might have to have a dozen more surgeries to fight this. One was enough. I promise.  It's good to tell me you had friends beat cancer, but please don't tell me a friend had a melanoma cut off and is fine.  These are very different things.  

And if I haven't talked to you in 20 years or we are only Facebook friends because I made out with you at a bar one night before I got married, your offer to be a listening ear is just plain creepy. Honey child, if I thought we were that close, I'd have talked to you about this and all of the other crazy shit with my failing marriage, my depression, my job worries, and my other problems over the years.  

Don't share my address with strangers and ask them to send me get well cards or gifts.  It's fucking weird to get a note in the mail from someone I don't know, or even worse one that isn't signed at all and just says "We're praying for you."  

Please don't suggest that I should be laying in bed wallowing in pity either. If you see me out at a concert or going to an event, cheer for me. Trust me I took an extra nap and will pay for it later with more exhaustion. It's much better for me to live my happy moments and sleep around them then fall into a depression because my health is declining.  

So what does help me in all this?  

Send me postcards or notes or cards. My cousin and a few friends have been doing this and it's lovely. Hell, it doesn't even have to be a postcard or note. I love kid art for my fridge and bathroom mirror. Or your own art too. You can still color me a picture from a coloring book to make me smile. 

Emails from old friends (like one of my college professors) also really make my day. Especially when they just say things like, "what's new with you?" It's ok to mention that you hope things are going well with my treatment. Tell me about you, too, though. I want to hear about your garden, your kids, your hobbies, your life. I want to be reminded why we are friends. I want to read about our memories together and the new memories you are building. I want to live vicariously through you as you run races and travel since that part is hard for me right now. I'll update you on my treatment/health on days I feel like it. I'm not shy, but don't want to be reminded about it. 

Post great photos, jokes, or send me funny tik-toks or instagrams. I love that stuff. Kittens, puppies, cooking failures, dad jokes......I'm all eyes and ears. 

Offer to meet me for a meal or set up a game night or craft night. As my treatment gets tougher, I'm sleeping more and getting out is no longer easy. If you know me, I'm a super extrovert. I'm usually the convener, the person making the plans, and I'm missing seeing friends right now. I've not got the energy or clear brain to make the plans to see people that I used to. Even just offering makes me smile, whether or not we set a date. 

I want to hold your babies, pet your puppies, and feel your cats purr too. Those are all good things. Some of my greatest moments of joy lately are playing with the puppies in my building on the elevator. 

Love on and with your loved ones. And tell me about it. Remember to live every moment to the fullest and not let work become your life. Just hearing those stories in a phone call, email, Facetime, or in person makes me happy.

Pray for me and/or send positive energy my way. I believe that it helps and buoys me up on rough days. 

Although not necessary, meal gift cards like door dash and grub hub are awesome. Even better if you are local is to offer to pick up a meal from a local place and come eat with me. Eating alone can be pretty lonely, and even worse when you are going through it.  

Accept and understand that for me, I'm going to probably be more self-centered than you've ever seen me before. Even if your life is horrible, I'm working on focusing on me. That might mean that I'm not the listener I once was. It may also mean that I seem short with you. I may cut you off when you start to talk about something that I know will trigger tears or anger, sadness or depression. Indulge me in this for a bit. I feel like I've been a pretty good listener for the first 45 years of my life. I'll try to get back to it once I'm through this hard stuff. 

Tell me I look great and you are glad to see me, preferably without mentioning the fact that you are surprised I have hair.  

Offer to meet me for a walk, hike, or stroll.  

Make sure to advocate for yourself and your family members in medical care. You know your body better than any doctor or nurse. If something feels off, trust your gut and get checked. Insist on that biopsy or test rather than being poo-pooed by a doctor.  

Those are my own personal wishes for how you can help me beat this. Maybe they will be helpful to others too.  

Kicking Depression's A$$

For decades, I've struggled with winter depression.  It usually sets in on or about December 1 and runs through the end of March-ish.  I'm not sure of the cause.  It may be that I'm separated from my other half, my twin.  I could also be affected by seasonal affective disorder.  Maybe the craziness that is year end giving at work also impacts me, and the fact that there is so much going on that I neglect self-care. 

During the pandemic, my depression management was even worse. 

I was not seeing people, my marriage had fallen apart, I was worried about my family, and the list continues.  As the pandemic intensified and my home life got worse, I started running regularly to alleviate stress.  I ended up training for and completing a marathon for charity and running a half marathon a month....something I'm continuing into 2022.  

My first half marathon in years in 2021

But the entire reason I wanted to write this blog post was because of my cheer chart.  What I decided to do as the pandemic got worse and I saw winter coming, was to make a reminder of what to do to pull myself out of it.  

I made a list of things that either make me happy or are good for me and put it on a chart on my refrigerator.  

I had a bunch of random round magnets left from craft projects that I put on there.  Each morning, I try to make sure I do at least three of the things on the list before I start work.  At the end of the day, I aim to do two more.  On weekends, I want to use all seven magnets at minimum.   This sounds silly, but it has really made a difference in my day.  When I'm feeling down, I look at the chart and try to do at least ONE.  Some of these are super easy, like drinking a pint of plain water or taking a photo to post online.  Soon, I'll update the chart with other things, but my cheer chart has helped me fight depression this year.  

My current 2022 Cheer Chart

Here are some of the things that are on the chart or help me:

Running/Gym/Exercise - If I get 30 minutes of exercise, I usually feel better.
Stretching - some days I just can't motivate to exercise and stretching is good.
Brushing, Flossing, Vitamins, Drinking Water, Eating my Veggies - these are things that I am whiny about, but I know they make my life and body better when I do them.  They are easy wins on days when I can't seem to even get out of bed. 
Crafting - I love making sea glass art to send to friends or doing other crafty things with my hands.  
Cooking/Baking - Making my own food, once I can get started, is good for me and makes me happy.  I just have to get started. It also helps me sell pampered chef stuff for an added benefit. Another bonus is when I can make food to share with friends.  
Friends - Seeing friends for a walk, game night, meal, or just to chat over tea always makes my mood better.  
Writing  - I love writing postcards or note cards to mail to friends.  I imagine them seeing it in the mailbox and smiling.  Getting real mail makes me smile as well.  
Adventure - This one is hand-written on the bottom in case you can't read it.  I love trying new food, activities, new hikes, going thrifting, or exploring.  
Reading - Encouraging my brain to explore another world with a good book also is something that helps me escape negative thoughts.  

Other than the chart, here are added anti-depression measures I've been utilizing. 

Mirror Reminder

I purchased wine glass markers and write quotes, scriptures, and sayings on my mirror in the bathroom to see each time I am there.  

My current mirror quote. 

Sleep

Sleep seems to be super important for me too.  There are nights when I can't get out of my head.  Two things have helped with that.  First, I stumbled on magnesium cream at a farmers market.  I don't use it all the time, but a little dollop on the bottom of each foot before bed knocks me out on most rough nights.  If my crazy thoughts attack earlier in the night, I have been drinking a bit of cbd simple syrup with some seltzer or sprite.  On occasion, I follow the recipes on the bottle and make a cocktail.  However, it puts me to sleep within 20 minutes, so I don't do it often.  

Future Planning

The other thing that I've learned to do is to find crazy things that I look forward to.  In some cases, I focus on not letting people down by missing something.  Other times, I find things that bring me so much joy that I think about them on rough days.  

This is my winter plan most years:
Thanksgiving With Family
Christmas Gift Making (crafting and more from list above). 
Birthday - connecting with my twin
New Year's Day Run
Polar Plunge for Special Olympics in February

These activities are supplemented with other races, game nights with friends, concert and show tickets, trips to sunny places or adventures on the calendar.  

If I've got something on my calendar to look forward to, I can usually muddle through the ugly stay under the covers and feel like crying days.  

Polar Plunge 2022

Then as the flowers bloom and the days are longer, I seem to be better.  I still have tough days where I don't to get out of bed or talk to people.  However, it's easier to run, find adventures, see friends, get fresh air, and live my life.  I go hiking more often with my friend Kristen, flea market shopping with my sister, camping, sea glass collecting, national park exploring, cocktail drinking, speedo racing, and so many of the other things that bring me joy.  Seeing all the posts lately about depression makes me think I'm not alone.  Hopefully you can make a chart that helps you too.  

Holding Grudges - forgive me.

Excuse me...Eric?  

Yes

"You are Eric Shoen, right?"

"Yes, that's me." 

"I'm sorry, I'm not comfortable cutting your hair today." 

"Is it because I came from out of state?"  

"No.  You made me very uncomfortable last time I saw you and I don't feel like being uncomfortable cutting your hair.  You'll have to find another place."  

"I'm so sorry.  I hope that you find healing for that wound.  Thanks."  

This happened to me today.  I know I must have said or done something years ago that hurt this man.  Here's the thing.  I haven't lived here in 10 years.  In fact, I don't think I've seen this person for at least 15 years.  I'll be darned if I can remember it.  

I've said and done some mean and stupid things in my life.  I've done that to people that didn't deserve it.  I  think I remember every time I did that and realized it.  The words or actions would keep me up at night.  I'd be sick to my stomach and replay the scene over and over in my head to try to make sure I didn't do it again.  In fact, I still get sick to my stomach when I think about some of those things in my past.  In most cases, I apologized as soon as it was out of my mouth and I realized how bad it was.  In others, it took me a few days to apologize.  Sometimes, I've apologized over and over for years for saying or doing something that hurt someone else.  In a very few cases, I've decided it was best to say nothing because I was either too uncomfortable or thought even bringing it up would cause more harm to the person I had hurt.  

My friends and I joke that I don't have any filters.  I just say things.  

My mom thinks that I just say things that other people are afraid to say, but are reality.  She lives by this philosophy with us kids which has caused more than one hang up phone call.  

I have people that have done things to me.  For most of them, I've forgiven them.  I'll never forget what they did to me, but have moved on.  

Most people in my life have confronted me when I've done something wrong, or at least I realized it.  At least I hope that's the case.  

For this person to have held onto this feeling for 15-20 years without telling me, or forgiving me, makes me wonder how he lives his life.  

For anyone else out there reading this who I may have upset, insulted, or hurt in some way, forgive me.  You can try to confront me about it, but I'm not sure now is the best time.  Still, feel free.